I haven’t stepped on the scale yet today. I’m a little nervous. Earlier weigh-ins have showed minimal losses and then of course last night I strayed from the plan.
Interestingly enough, I think that both of those are good for me. It’s given me cause to evaluate what I’m doing and why.
It all comes down to whether or not I truly believe that I am working on a lifestyle change or if this is just another radical diet change that I have no intention of continuing once I’ve lost some weight. When I first saw the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead and then researched it online, all I could see was the drastic weight loss that people were having. I craved that sort of weight loss. Sitting at my highest weight ever, I was uncomfortable, sluggish, and embarrassed. I was willing to do anything to lose the weight, including drink fruit and veggie juice for 60 days.
The rest is history, as documented by this blog. Within a week of starting, it was apparent that 60 days was not going to be reasonable for our family with the move and all, but 30 days certainly was. Over the last 14 days I’ve been dealing with plenty of emotional fallout from the decision. Surprisingly, I have felt few physical struggles.
I’m not new to liquid diets. In fact, that’s how I lost 80 pounds 8 years ago. So juicing has not been terribly difficult for me physically. My body has actually enjoyed being fueled by juice. After a few days of feeling tired, my energy levels increased and I feel great.
The problems I’ve encountered have been more emotional than physical. Emotionally I am tied to food, and I’m not talking about healthy vegetables. If you’ve been following along and watching the videos you’ll see that Jake has pretty much rocked this fast while I’ve been struggling with all the emotions.
My biggest concern has been not whether or not I could accomplish a 30 day fast, but what I would do afterward. It is terribly difficult for me to wrap my mind around a lifestyle change versus a diet. I’m “all or nothing” remember? My inclination is to fast for 30 days and then be done, go back to the status quo. Back to Red Vines and bacon cheeseburgers. That is where my mind goes whenever I think about finishing the 30 days.
I can’t wait to eat again. But therein lies the problem! I don’t want this to be the status quo. I don’t want to go back to the way it was. The way it was made me fat, tired, and embarrassed. I really, truly want to change my life. I want this to be not a fad diet, but a lifestyle change.
Which is why I’m glad that I’ve stumbled over the two things that normally trip me up and make me quit. I haven’t been dropping a ton of weight and I didn’t stick 100% to the plan yesterday. Any other time, either one of those would have been enough for me to throw in the towel, given me an excuse to not continue.
It would normally look something like this, “Oh, I’m not losing weight. Obviously my body doesn’t like this. All this work for a pound? It’s not worth it. If I’m not going to be losing than I should do something else.” Or something equally as short sided.
I admit to feeling this way earlier this week (yesterday?), but have enough faith in what we are doing to continue on regardless of the weight loss. I’ve come to realize that this isn’t all about losing weight. This is about truly cleansing and rebooting my body and spirit and putting myself on track to achieve the healthy goals I’ve set for myself. I cannot be focused only on the weight or when I don’t lose, I will quit.
The other stumbling block is a little more insidious and sneaky and usually gets me every time. It looks like this: “This one bite won’t hurt anything. Well, I’ve already eaten, I’ve already failed, I might as well just keep eating.”
I have to admit that this did trip me up yesterday. My regret is that I didn’t consciously choose what I ate. What I was really craving was a big yummy salad. If I was going to eat, I should have eaten something that would have given me satisfaction. Instead, I snuck a few bites here, a few bites there and felt ashamed, but unable to control myself.
If my focus is sincerely on a lifestyle change, than I have to realize that I’m never going to be perfect. I will have my slip-ups and make mistakes. But the real question is what I will do afterwards. Will I continue to feel like a failure and quit? Or will I pick myself up and keep going? 9 times out of 10 if I can’t be perfect to the diet I’m committed to, I quit. But this is going to be the 1 time I continue going.
I am going to continue getting every time I trip. Every time I make a mistake. This is not about being 100% for 30 days. This is about changing my life and living healthily ever after.
I guess I’m ready to go weigh in now.